“Without forgiveness life is governed by an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation.” – Roberto Assagioli
The reason why so many of us choose to hold on to resentment and pain towards someone or something is that the process of forgiveness is painful and demanding in itself. It requires hard internal work.
Many of us have been exposed to the phrase and have ourselves used it many times– “forgive but don’t forget”. However, it is known to mask feelings of hostility, anger and pain all the same. It is like putting a band-aid on a wound when what one needs is surgery.
What is Forgiveness?
Firstly, forgiveness is both an interpersonal and intrapersonal process, meaning that it may involve forgiving oneself and others. Secondly, it entails that one has been holding onto painful feelings caused by perceived wrongful and hurting actions or words of others or oneself. Thirdly, the process involves the conscious choice of letting go of anger and resentment (along with an array of other highly personal and complicated emotions). Fourthly, it may or may not entail reconciliation with the person/s that forgiveness is directed at.
And at last, it is important to understand that the person/s who caused the pain may not accept the wrong they have done. Although it makes the process more difficult, the process of forgiveness is not a two-way street. It seeks to alleviate personal suffering.
It simply means accepting what had occurred without resistance and letting go of the hurt caused by it. In other words, it means choosing to not let the burden of the past weigh you down in the present. The agony, as it is known, is intensified not so much as by the event itself but by resisting to accept its occurrence. The first step towards rejecting dominance is acceptance of how the event or series of them impacted and altered one.
It is, of course, easier said than done simply because it requires unpacking difficult emotions, acknowledging the pain, and making the decision to face the ugly details– something you might have tried to run from. And so, it is easier to be fueled by the rage of seeking revenge (directed externally) than it is to turn your gaze inward.
It is very important to note that to forgive oneself or someone else who has hurt you does in no way means justifying their actions and/or words. That is an unhealthy way to cope with the pain caused.
The process of forgiveness requires patience with oneself, compassion (for oneself and the offender), self-awareness, and above all– emotional insight and regulation. The moment one understands that ultimately they have a choice in whether to be pinned down by the long held suffering or to liberate themself from the cycle, the internal motivation to forgive rises to the surface.
Sometimes, the process is too daunting to undertake alone and may require professional help in terms of guidance– because the journey of forgiveness is personal and unique.
How Does Forgiveness Therapy Work?
It is now well known, thanks to research, that forgiveness has both mental and physical benefits. It has the power to reduce toxic anger, counteract trauma, feelings of anxiety, depression and even low self-esteem. This is precisely the reason why therapists are focusing more and more on including it into the therapeutic process.
The severity of injustice is one facet that determines the process of forgiveness but another such facet is personal will and motivation. Forgiveness therapy aims to allow an individual to confront reality by creating a safe space for them to analyze their pain and/or trauma. Essentially, the motives of this therapeutic approach is to-
- Resolve the conflicts an individual has with their past.
- Decrease anger and resentment towards the offender and if possible, increase empathy and compassion towards them.
- Eliminate the need to seek revenge.
- Gaining a more informed, balanced and wholesome perspective towards the offender/s and the event.
All the while these motives are worked towards, the therapist encourages the individual to explore the root of their emotions without being judgemental. The therapist may also offer subtle challenges to cope with maladjusted thought and behavior patterns. Most importantly, the therapist provides the individual with unconditional support and positive regard– allowing the individual to approach the future with optimism. The key to therapeutic success lies in setting realistic goals with the individual and developing rational approaches towards their life.
So, perhaps one is brought to justice when they accept that they deserve it and it can only be imparted by their own hands– a purpose that propels a series of positive changes in life, causing one to build it on one’s own terms.
“I learned a long time ago that some people would rather die than forgive. It’s a strange truth, but forgiveness is a painful and difficult process. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s an evolution of the heart.”
-Sue Monk Kidd
