“The greatest discovery of my generation is that human beings can alter their lives by altering their attitudes of mind.”
— William James
Have you ever wondered why two partners respond to the same issue differently? Not only are their approaches different, the patterns of their emotional engagement are different too. Not only do people bring an array of personality traits to a relationship, they also bring certain core beliefs. There are people who embrace the idea of intimacy with open arms and there are those who shirk away from it. But there’s something else that dictates how one feels about relationships and behaves in them– learned attachment styles.
While conflicts are unavoidable in any close relationship, the success and fulfillment gained from it depends upon how we navigate these conflicts. It is widely accepted that conflicts, when looked upon as opportunities to learn about one’s partner, strengthens the relationship. In a nutshell, what matters is the mutual intention to grow together– not just despite conflict, but also somewhat because of it.
When trying to understand the dynamics of a relationship between two romantic partners, it becomes essential to understand how an individual relates to their partner. Their early experiences while growing up add more to the dynamic than it is commonly known. It all goes back to when one learnt how to trust someone and rely upon them for their emotional needs.
The first person to study attachment styles was the British psychologist John Bowlby who wanted to understand the difference between children’s responses to being separated from their primary caregivers. He observed that their responses varied quite varied and signaled differences in attachment bonds between the children and their parents. Subsequently, Mary Ainsworth identified three types of attachment styles. Her theory upheld that in order to seek unfamiliar situations, children needed to develop a secure attachment with their parents.
The attachment theory proposes that most of one’s innate emotional needs and responses to intimacy are shaped by the nature of relationship one had with their parents or primary caregivers. While this may seem too far-fetched to many people, research has collected enough evidence to suggest otherwise.
Think of the first time you met your partner’s family. Did you think, “Now I know why you avoid difficult emotional subjects. Your family does so too!” or “Now I get why you deep dive into everything that bothers you. Your parents do the same!”
The 4 Styles of Attachment
The most commonly identified and researched upon patterns of attachment are:
- Avoidant Attachment: As a result of abusive or neglectful caregiving in childhood, an individual becomes indifferent towards emotional intimacy and avoids seeking help from others. They become heavily self reliant and overly independent. At their core, they are afraid of showing their vulnerabilities.
- Anxious-Ambivalent Attachment: As a result of unpredictable parenting or caregiving that is also controlling or rejecting, individuals become overly invested in their relationships. They develop a nagging fear of abandonment that extremely bothers them and are anxious when relating to their partners.
- Disorganized-Fearful Attachment: As a result of the parent or caregiver being a source of both comfort and fear, an individual begins to fear intimacy and crave it at the same time. It is marked by fear of rejection, a low self-esteem and constant feelings of helplessness. This is also known to be attributed to inconsistent and confused caregiving patterns.
- Secure Attachment: This style is a result of consistent and prompt care that is warm and protective without being controlling. Individuals learn to develop autonomy and independence, without fearing intimacy. They learn to embrace their vulnerabilities and have no trouble sharing them with their intimate partners. They are comfortable within themselves and while relating to others.
Attachment in itself is based upon one’s emotional need for intimacy, trust and dependency. Whether or not one can express vulnerability without the fear of judgment or abandonment is enough to determine whether one’s style of attachment is secure or not. The nature of attachment also depends upon whether there was an opportunity to attach to a primary caregiver or not. Apart from that, it clearly depends upon whether one’s needs were met consistently and quickly or not.
While it may seem as though one’s attachment style cannot be changed and one is “doomed” to live with it, there are ways to become more secure in one’s relationships. As always, the first step is to understand where one is coming from– the same goes for their partner. The lasting impact of early attachment can be modified with the help of trauma-informed care, by paying attention to subtle feelings and non-verbal communication, respecting each other’s boundaries and by sharing small vulnerabilities with one’s partner.
An essential ingredient is to keep in mind that being aware and accepting of one’s attachment style is important but it becomes futile if one is not practicing accountability for one’s actions and words– which is the ultimate goal of gaining a deeper understanding.
“I want to focus here on what I consider to be the most central, most significant mode of learning involved in the process of developing emotional intelligence: gaining insight through expanding awareness.”
—Wayne Payne
